Want Some Cheese with that Whine? February 19, 2007
Posted by Kymberli in Not the mama. Just the oven..4 comments
*This baby is large.
*This large baby feels like he’s everywhere at once.
*This la rge baby who feels like he’s everywhere at once especially likes to use my bladder as a trampoline.
*This everywhere at once large baby who tramples my bladder also likes to hang out under my right rib cage.
*The omnipresent large baby who tramples my bladder while doing pull-ups from my bottom right rib also sometimes likes to poke other body parts straight out from my rapidly-disappearing navel.
*The gargantuan baby who bounces gleefully from my bladder and swings from my rib cage while poking various assorted limbs from my navel also likes to shift around quite a bit, causing some fairly uncomfortable round ligament pains.
*This 97th percentile, humongo, bladder-bouncing, rib-swinging, navel-poking, round ligament pain-causing, Italian meatball of a baby will be delivered 5 weeks from today. I’m trying to figure out where approximately 2.5 more pounds of baby is going to fit inside ever-expanding tummy.
On a slighty different note…
*I have gas.
*I have gas caused by those awful iron pills.
*I have gas caused by those awful iron pills, but I hate farting.
*Because of the horrid iron pills, I not only have gas but I have to fart, because not to do so would cause undue gastric distress from said gas.
*Because I have to fart but hate farting, I choose to do this in private, distant places.
*Choosing to fart in private because I have to fart but hate farting, last week I farted in the confines of my closet. I damn near killed myself.
*I have damn near lethal iron pill-induced gas which is actually a symptom of the larger problem, which is constipation.
*The iron pills cause the constipation which causes the lethal gas. Are you following me?
*The Italian Meatball has squished my intestines into spaghetti, which no doubt only adds to the constipation, thereby giving way to the lethal gas.
*I think perhaps maybe I should look into taking out stock in Glade Air Infusions Clean Linen scent air freshener. I have cans of it strategically placed throughout the house. I even keep a can of it in the van.
BUT …. those aren’t the things I’m whining about. I’m whining about the fact that Frank went out to get the roast beef sub and grilled cheese sandwich that I was craving….and he FORGOT my freakin’ grilled cheese. There aren’t many things more whine-worthy during pregnancy than coming within an inch of getting your craving and not getting it. I WANT MY DANGED GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH (which no doubt would have caused more constipation and gas in my Italian Meatball-squished intestines).
Whine done. Over and out.
