mindless woman, mindless ramblings

It’s 5:54, and the TV is set to come on at 6:05. Frank, my first love, will wake, then go awaken our oldest children, Kyra and Jaiden. We’ll spend these early morning minutes laughing and goofing off like we usually do as we get them ready for school. At some point in time, Jordan and Kaelyn will wake up, just in time to watch the Wiggles. Kyra will squirm a little too much as I style her hair, Jaiden will move a little too slowly and will likely do a few somersaults or something equally silly to get us all laughing, Jordan will start his day with a customary whine about some vague body part hurting, and Kaelyn will chatter away, climb in and out of our bed and dance. There is a particular normalcy to the start of this morning.

And then, after all of the kids have been properly smothered in kisses and hugs, after the twins have been escorted to the bus stop, and the youngest two have been entrusted to the care of my sister (who is currently depleting the volume of oxygen in the house with her deep snoring), it will be time for Frank and I to head to Savannah to deliver a baby - who will not become a part of our normal morning routine.

Time…I woke up this morning with different dates and events rolling around haphazardly in my brain, like little spheres of marbleized memories of the past ten years sliding around the landscape of my mind.

I think of our slight struggle with infertility. Perhaps sub-fertility would be a better term in our case. The 2.5 years of trying to get pregnant gave Frank and me a better appreciation for couple on the opposite end of the fertilty continuum.

Halloween 2000- first finding out we were pregnant.

June 18, 2001- the morning we went to deliver Kyra and Jaiden, the day when “normal” first took an entirely different spin.  

February, 2002 – I discovered SMO and started a journey that would last the next five years.

September, 2002 – finding out we’re pregnant again

May 22, 2003 – Jordan arrives. Becky is here to greet him with Faith on her shoulder

March, 2004 – Surrogacy again, this time, I’m matched and headed for transfer

July, 2004 – transfer failed, downward spiral starts

September/October 2004 – gearing for second transfer, possible cancer diagnosis, no cancer found, D&C for wonky lining, unfortunate end to a beautiful surrogacy relationship, which was really the birth of a stronger, deeper relationship

January 2005 – we’re pregnant again

March 2005 – Sarah’s finally expecting her baby via surrogacy

July 2005 – Sarah discovers she’s having a girl and we see each other again for the first time since our transfer, though we’ve continued to talk nearly all day every day 

September 30, 2005 – Kaelyn is born, this time with both Becky and Sarah here to welcome my little one into th world

November 30, 2005 – Sarah’s Ella is born

February, 2006 – surrogacy starts again

March, 2006 – matched with Stephanie and Terry

July, 2006 – transferred, BFP at 5dp5dt, we’re pregnant, and now…

March 26, 2007 – Samuel Anthony G. aka “Ducky” aka “The Meatball” (who is gleefully getting in his last few bladder stomps and rib rubbing) will be born.

It’s time.

I think of these events and realize that that they’re all propelled by love. And now think of all the different degrees and types of love that it’s taken to bring me to this day. Without the support of my family, my very short list of friends who I now consider family, and the many people that I’ve met in one way or another through this journey…I’m quite sure that I would have given up long ago. Time and love; that’s all it takes to overcome any obstacle. The deeper understanding of this concept, I realize now, is the greatest lesson that I have learned in these 5 years.

Trying to explain the different ways I love the people who’ve contributed to my journey would be nearly impossible for me. From my family, to the people whose names I’ve already mentioned, to the people involved in the many journeys that I’ve watched unfold over the years, and to the people who taught me “the ropes” (Kitty, MEG, Holly); there’s a special kind-of love that I have for all of you. I can’t help but think of my favorite song to perfectly express this “time and love” theme. It’s not your standard love song because it speaks of all degrees of love.

Stevie says it best in the song “As” from the 2-album “Songs in the Key of Life”.

As
As around the sun the earth knows she’s revolving
And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May
Just as hate knows love’s the cure
You can rest your mind assured
That I’ll be loving you always
As now can’t reveal the mystery of tomorrow
But in passing will grow older every day
Just as all is born is new
Do know what I say is true
That I’ll be loving you always

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky–Loving you
Until the ocean covers every mountain high–Loving you
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea–Loving you
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream–Be loving you
Until the day is night and night becomes the day–Loving you
Until the trees and seas up, up and fly away–Loving you
Until the day that 8×8x8×8 is 4–Loving you
Until the day that is the day that are no more–Loving you
Until the day the Earth starts turning right to left–Be loving you
Until the Earth just for the sun denies itself–Loving you
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through–Loving you
Until the day that you are me and I am you–
Now ain’t that loving you?
And I’ve got to say always…

“Just as time knew to move on since the beginning, and the seasons know exactly when to change, just as kindness knows no shame, know through all your joy and pain, that I’ll be loving you always.”